Random Letters

Dear Granger,

Can you please tell me the secret to your luscious locks? I don’t mean to sound gay, but it has been really cold outside lately, and mom keeps making me wear this stupid coat to stay warm. If I had locks like you I’d be set….…although it would take me much longer to dry when I pee in my crate and mom has to bathe me.

Plus don’t you think we kind of look alike – our coloring at least? I mean look at the beautiful brown eye patches we both have….do you know any other pooches with such exquisite markings? And you know what else?? Sometimes I get excited and pee on myself too. Oh my goodness, what if we were twins separated at birth!! I won’t have a moment’s peace until I know. Please call me as soon as your mom gets back to Jackson so I can come over and meet you.

Yours Truly - Scout

Dear Scout,

Please stop peeing on the carpet, and in your crate. We have plenty of room outside, all you have to do is ask. Truly, I really don’t understand where all of your pee comes from anyway. It’s not like you drink that much water – enough to create a small pond on the floor outside of your crate everyday.

Anyway, even though I bathe you often, you still stink. You don’t want to be known as the dog that smells like pee now, do you? What would Granger think when he meets you?

Dear Seagulls and Ducks,

Please stop using our boat slip as a toilet. I don’t understand why you can leave everyone around us untouched, but poop all over ours. This summer I’ll be investing in an owl mannequin, but if that doesn’t work I might have to take more drastic measures. Consider yourself warned…

Dear neighbors up the street trying to sell your house,

MOW YOUR WEEDS!

Dear Summer,

I never thought I’d ever say this, but please hurry up and get here. I’m tired of freezing my tail off every night during my run and having to put 3 layers on just to take the dogs out to the bathroom. Plus our neighbors are going to teach us how to kayak and sail this summer, and we really can’t get started until the reservoir warms up. I realize it’s still a bit early, but this is Mississippi. You don’t hesitate to let your heat waves linger through Christmas some years, why not get an early start in 2009? Just a thought.

Dear Diet Coke,

This is hard, because I really, really love you, but starting soon I’m going to have to start cutting back on our time together. I’ve started running again, and plain old water is really the best thing for me right now. Please don’t take this personally, this is totally about me and not you. I still love you just as much as ever……

Dear X-Files producer Chris Carter,

I don’t care what some people stay, I still love your show as much as I did back in high school. Although I will have to admit your recent X-Files Movie was really terrible and not in any way worth the $9.50 I paid to see it.

Dear Bailey the Cat,

I’m so glad you’ve stopped licking all of your fur off – you’re looking much better these days. But if you keep taunting the puppy he might take it all back off for you, or pee on you, so please beware.

Dear Readers,

If you think my random letters contain an unusually high number of references to pee – you are correct. But such is life with a new puppy.

And yes – I totally stole this idea from another blog. Enjoy!

Almost forgot....

Dear 16 year old airplane stalker/starer,

Get a life. You are not Ashton and I am certainly not Demi, and neither is my sister. And oh by the way we're both also married. So keep your eyes to yourself, your hormones in check and sit forward in your seat like a normal person, or I just might have to have my 6'5" husband kick your puny 16 year old a#$ when we get off this plane.

Ahh - I feel so much better now! If only I could have said that to his face.