Okay my last post poked fun at how un-funny my husband can be sometimes. This post highlights one of his more successful attempts at comedic expression.....at my expense of course. But it's still funny. This is Jeff's response to a friend's invitiation to go sparring this weekend. The friend is learning some new type of karate.....which by the way since when did sparring become such a casual weekend activity??? Hey guys, let's get together and beat the crap out of each other. Must be a man thing. Anyway...
Jeff - via email - "Does it cost anything? I am very cost conscious you know. I might be able to help you out. If you want to come over I can let Courtney beat the crap out of you for free! I found these attack words and phrases (like trainers use with dogs) that have worked well in the past to get Courtney to attack me...although I have to say I try and avoid saying them if at all possible."
My response: You are an ass, but that was pretty freaking hilarious. I'm still laughing so hard I'm crying.
Where does he come up with this stuff?? Maybe this explains while when playing the game "Imagine If," my husband said if I were a dog I'd be a Rottweiller. For the record - even though I am a purple belt in karate, I do not attack my husband (even though I really want to sometimes). I admit there may have been some claw swipes early on in the first 3 years of marriage, when things were so wonderfully horrible, but not anytime recently.
Just for laughs...Jeff said I'd be a Rottweiler, but the rest of his family said I'd be a French Poodle. Now IMAGINE THAT...me a french poodle. Well they're all wrong, if I was a dog I'd be an Alaskan Husky. DUHHH!
Friday, March 20, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
The Joke
For those of you who’ve spent any amount of time around Jeff, you know that he loves to talk, and tell stories...among other things. And that he has all of these random facts in his head, most of which you never know are true or not (For the record, Jeff is brilliant, he just likes to mess with people). He also loves to make-up jokes. Occasionally they are hilarious, with the emphasis being on occasionally. So for your reading pleasure this Wednesday morning, I present you with his latest.
Set-up: “Did you hear the news? Scientists just found life on Mars…2 alien embryos tucked away in some remote cavern.”
Punchline: “Wait, what am I thinking, I forgot embryos aren’t considered actual life forms.”
And hence our follow-up conversation last night.
Jeff “Soooo, what do you think.”
Courtney “Ummmm….okay……that was not the least bit funny. And it's way too complicated for a joke.”
Jeff “It was HILARIOUS!! You just have to be liberal minded.”
Courtney “Liberals don’t like jokes that make fun of them. And it’s still not funny.”
Jeff “I promise this is hysterical. Are you sure you got it? Do you want me to tell it again.”
Courtney “No, I’m pretty sure I got it. And it’s still not funny.”
Jeff “I know this is a funny one, you just don’t appreciate it. I need to tell some other people.”
Courtney “Be my guest, but I’m pretty sure they won’t think it’s funny either.”
At this point we're both in hysterics, and it's brought to my attention that I'm a mean wife for laughing at him and not his joke. So sorry dear.
Oh how I love my husband!!
Set-up: “Did you hear the news? Scientists just found life on Mars…2 alien embryos tucked away in some remote cavern.”
Punchline: “Wait, what am I thinking, I forgot embryos aren’t considered actual life forms.”
And hence our follow-up conversation last night.
Jeff “Soooo, what do you think.”
Courtney “Ummmm….okay……that was not the least bit funny. And it's way too complicated for a joke.”
Jeff “It was HILARIOUS!! You just have to be liberal minded.”
Courtney “Liberals don’t like jokes that make fun of them. And it’s still not funny.”
Jeff “I promise this is hysterical. Are you sure you got it? Do you want me to tell it again.”
Courtney “No, I’m pretty sure I got it. And it’s still not funny.”
Jeff “I know this is a funny one, you just don’t appreciate it. I need to tell some other people.”
Courtney “Be my guest, but I’m pretty sure they won’t think it’s funny either.”
At this point we're both in hysterics, and it's brought to my attention that I'm a mean wife for laughing at him and not his joke. So sorry dear.
Oh how I love my husband!!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Monday Musings
What do you do when it’s 75 degrees outside and you have:
1. 11 loads of laundry to finish
2. Dirty bathrooms that need to be scrubbed
3. One master bathroom in dire need of wallpaper and glue stripping
4. An unfinished dining room table that was only supposed to take 2 months to build
5. A redneck plywood tv shelf installed 3 weeks ago that really needs to be trimmed out and painted
6. A refridgerator that hasn’t been cleaned out in weeks
7. Dog hair everywhere
8. Bird poop all over your boat slip
Play of course! That’s what weekends are for right? Well technically we did work some…I mowed the yard and pulled about 6 gallons of weeds out of the front yard, and Jeff did some ministry work downtown Saturday while I attended a “Tea Party” fundraiser – no joke, then steamed and glued some wood for our dining room table. Other than that we visited with friends and neighbors, took the dogs running and watched several episodes of X-Files – of course! Oh and we also took my brother to see the Watchmen on Friday night. Not a bad movie, but I never want to see another big…blue…man - if you’ve seen the movie you’ll know what I’m talking about. Although I think my husband was more bothered by it than I. A GREAT way to spend the weekend if you ask me - save the blue man part.
For those of you that know me well, you understand that for me to leave the list above alone over the weekend (and longer than that on some of the items) only serves to prove that I am truly a recovering Type A Personality. In fact I just bought a shower curtain for one of our bathrooms last month, and we’ve been in our house nearly 3 months. Shocked? I kind of was too when I realized how long I’d let the shower stand bare.
My new motto – “Laissez Le Bon Temps Roulet” – Let the good times roll! Monsieur Rees would be proud – it’s about all I remember from his french class. Don’t expect me to become a complete slacker though – I mean there is a limit to my dirty/chaos/unfinished meter. I confess that I did tell Jeff sometime last week that if I had to look at our redneck tv shelf for one more month I was going to throw it and the tv out the window…or something to that affect.
So will I be running straight home from work today to tackle the list? Ummmmm no. I will be running to the store to pick up supplies for the Gourmet Bread Pudding with Whiskey Cream Sauce I’m making for my grandparents tonight. And then I intend to eat a very large bowl of that gourmet bread pudding while sitting on my lazy arse at my parent’s house. How’s that for rehabilitation?! I just wish my nose and eyes would stop itching from all of this pollen. As a good friend once said regarding this time of year, “It feels like the plants and trees are all having sex in my nose.”
On that akward (but you have to admit funny) note….happy Monday!
1. 11 loads of laundry to finish
2. Dirty bathrooms that need to be scrubbed
3. One master bathroom in dire need of wallpaper and glue stripping
4. An unfinished dining room table that was only supposed to take 2 months to build
5. A redneck plywood tv shelf installed 3 weeks ago that really needs to be trimmed out and painted
6. A refridgerator that hasn’t been cleaned out in weeks
7. Dog hair everywhere
8. Bird poop all over your boat slip
Play of course! That’s what weekends are for right? Well technically we did work some…I mowed the yard and pulled about 6 gallons of weeds out of the front yard, and Jeff did some ministry work downtown Saturday while I attended a “Tea Party” fundraiser – no joke, then steamed and glued some wood for our dining room table. Other than that we visited with friends and neighbors, took the dogs running and watched several episodes of X-Files – of course! Oh and we also took my brother to see the Watchmen on Friday night. Not a bad movie, but I never want to see another big…blue…man - if you’ve seen the movie you’ll know what I’m talking about. Although I think my husband was more bothered by it than I. A GREAT way to spend the weekend if you ask me - save the blue man part.
For those of you that know me well, you understand that for me to leave the list above alone over the weekend (and longer than that on some of the items) only serves to prove that I am truly a recovering Type A Personality. In fact I just bought a shower curtain for one of our bathrooms last month, and we’ve been in our house nearly 3 months. Shocked? I kind of was too when I realized how long I’d let the shower stand bare.
My new motto – “Laissez Le Bon Temps Roulet” – Let the good times roll! Monsieur Rees would be proud – it’s about all I remember from his french class. Don’t expect me to become a complete slacker though – I mean there is a limit to my dirty/chaos/unfinished meter. I confess that I did tell Jeff sometime last week that if I had to look at our redneck tv shelf for one more month I was going to throw it and the tv out the window…or something to that affect.
So will I be running straight home from work today to tackle the list? Ummmmm no. I will be running to the store to pick up supplies for the Gourmet Bread Pudding with Whiskey Cream Sauce I’m making for my grandparents tonight. And then I intend to eat a very large bowl of that gourmet bread pudding while sitting on my lazy arse at my parent’s house. How’s that for rehabilitation?! I just wish my nose and eyes would stop itching from all of this pollen. As a good friend once said regarding this time of year, “It feels like the plants and trees are all having sex in my nose.”
On that akward (but you have to admit funny) note….happy Monday!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Confession
Okay if you’re wondering why I’ve all of a sudden starting writing on my blog more, here’s the big secret - I’m writing a book (don’t laugh). They say practice makes perfect, and I find that the more I write the easier it gets, so here you go. Plus I generally just have a lot to say, but rarely do, except to a few good friends that probably think I never shut up. Some of you might be surprised to learn that my husband is much more of a talker than I, so if one of us is talking, it is usually him. I can write all day long, but really have to be in the right “mood” to talk – much to some people’s (husband-sister-friends) frustration. What can I say – I’m a complicated woman. Plus my cousin totally pumped me up after my last post when she implied that I was funnier than Bridget Jones…..to be exact “Bridget Jones move over you are hilarious!” I can’t say that I agree with her, those are pretty big shoes to fill, but it’s nice to know someone out there appreciates my ramblings. Thanks Cuz! And now I know someone out there actually READS this blog, so watch out…
Here’s a teaser for those of you dying to know about the book…it’s about a girl…from Alaska….who’s a commercial fisherman. Novel idea, right. No it is not an autobiography. I’m trying to stay very true to the commercial fishing experience, but the characters are fictional. Obviously I can identify a great deal with the main character, but she is primarily a figment from my imagination, even in regards to her appearance. She’s lanky with long legs, beautiful long dark naturally curly hair and much more to work with in regards to her feminine attributes, if you know what I mean. For those who still don’t get it…she has boobs. Note I didn’t say she had huge boobs, just that she has boobs period. Enough said – sorry if I offended anyone talking about boobs. How I wished I looked you ask….perhaps….but you’ll never really know. Maybe I’d rather be a blonde….Regardless if I ever get published, I don’t want any of my friends or family members showing up on Oprah sobbing “that was me, that character was me.” Because it’s not/isn’t, so you can stop worrying about it now.
Most of you already know that for Christmas this year my husband bought me the best present ever – the X-Files DVD Collector’s Edition, which includes all 9 seasons of the show plus the first X-Files movie. We’ve been watching several episodes a week since Christmas, and so far are only through season three. Only 120 more episodes to go.
Two years ago for Christmas my husband bought me the complete “Everybody Loves Raymond” series for Christmas. I watched it on TBS in the evenings, so he thought I’d enjoy having the set. Although I sincerely appreciated the gift, the set has remained virtually unopened on our DVD bookshelf, because although I enjoyed the mindless bickering of Raymond and his wife as I was winding down in the evenings, I had no interest in really following the show. It’s kind of one of those things I would watch if it was on, but didn’t miss it when it wasn’t. Sorry dear husband! Good thing I’m a firm believer in “it’s the thought that counts!”
As an aside - this is really what a freak I am…for the previous 2 Christmases (06 and 07) my husband bought me vacuum cleaners/moppers of some sort. And guess what – I actually LOVED them. OK, admittedly I wasn’t very excited about the Scuba when I first opened it, but once I realized it was the ONLY thing that would mop my kitchen floor without leaving streaks, I was in love. Jeff loves to tell people I ran it 4 times that first day. And in 07 he bought me a refurbished Roomba, which I was obsessed with for the entire 8 months it worked. So yes, I’m a vacuum cleaner junkie, which probably makes my obsession with the X-Files seem a little more understandable. Robotics and little green men – makes perfect sense right? Even scarier – what woman in her right mind gets excited over getting a vacuum cleaner for Christmas..I mean really excited. Hmmmmm….
Now back to X-Files. I am such a nerd about this show, and am the first to admit it. In my opinion it is one of the best series ever made. Granted 12 years later the aliens do look pretty cheesy, and some of the special effects are….well….obviously 12 years old, but the script, acting and characters remain just as appealing and alluring to me as the day the show first aired. And even though I’ve seen many of the episodes, I still find myself glued to the screen every time.
It’s surprising that the show doesn’t get to me sometimes, because they really cover some pretty intense and dark topics, and for the most part I CANNOT handle any type of horror movies or psycho thrillers because I have nightmares about them for months. But for whatever reason I never get scared watching X-Files. Besides, although I enjoy all of their wild excursions, everyone knows the real reason so many fans, including me, stayed hooked on the show….Mulder and Scully. Chris Carter did an amazing job of developing their relationship without cluttering up the show with an office affair and all that comes with it. He kept everyone hanging for 8 years, and then no one really knew for SURE if they actually did get together until the 2nd X-Files Movie was released last summer. But from the beginning their chemistry and connection was very strong, and just became more and more intriguing and addicting as the series progressed. I love their quips back and forth, and those one or two innuendos Carter threw in every two or three episodes that sent fans into turmoil each week – myself included. I very distinctly remember sitting in orchestra with my stand partner and friend Kate Monday morning, rehashing every Mulder/Scully scene from the previous night. I also remember begging my mom to make sure my dad was not in front of the TV at 9PM on Sunday nights so I could watch the show – and miraculously most of the time she came through. Thanks for playing interference mom – ahem – moving on.
This week I’ve been browsing through the set, revisiting some of my favorite Mulder/Scully moments. At first Jeff got upset thinking I was watching ahead without him, but I really wasn’t. I had to remind him that I’d seen them all before, and would gladly watch them again. There’s just something about these two and their relationship that is extremely addicting. And what I love is there is no sex, drama or anything inappropriate for the most part (inappropriate is a fairly subjective term, and I realize some may consider the content of the show alone not suitable for viewing). Just lots of chemistry, and some really great lines, a few of which I’ll share below. Who knows, maybe I’ll make a believer out of some of you skeptics.
And you know what’s really creepy – there are several parallels between myself and Scully and my husband and Mulder. There is an extreme height difference between both pairs; my husband is a very passionate and unconventional person like Mulder and I am more of a realist and rule follower like Scully. I guess that’s really all that comes to mind right now, but enough to make you think. Although I am NOT one of those people who gets so caught up in shows and movies they start becoming like the characters. I was a realist and rule follower long before I ever started watching the show. And I was ~ still am ~ a nerd, a proud nerd at that. Just look at what I do for a living. I bet you Chris Carter originally had Scully set to be an Analyst, but decided to make her into a DR at the last minute so she could do all the alien autopsies.
So to all of my nerd lovers out there, I leave you with some of my favorite lines from my (still) favorite show. ENJOY! – The X-Fanatic
SCULLY: " How much you're like Ahab You're so consumed by your personal vengeance against life--whether it be its inherent cruelties or its mysteries--that everything takes on a warped significance to fit your meglo-maniacal cosmology."
MULDER: "Scully, are you coming on to me?"
MULDER: "Whatever tape you've found in that VCR, it isn't mine."
SCULLY: "Good. Because I put it back in that drawer with all those other videos that aren't yours."
SCULLY: It's not ice cream. It's a non-fat tofutti rice dreamsicle.
MULDER: Ugh. Bet the air in my mouth tastes better than that. You sure know how to live it up, Scully.
SCULLY: Oh, you're Mr. Live-it-up. Mulder, you're really Mr. Squeeze-every-last-drop-out-of-this-sweet-life, aren't you? On this precious Saturday you've got us grabbing life by the testes stealing reference books from the FBI library in order to go through New Mexico newspaper obituaries for the years 1940 to 1949 and for what joyful purpose?
MULDER: Looking for anomalies, Scully. Do you know how many so-called "flying disc" reports there were in New Mexico in the 1940s?
SCULLY: I don't care. Mulder, this is a needle in a haystack. These poor souls have been dead for 50 years. Let them rest in peace. Let sleeping dogs lie.
MULDER: No, I won't sit idly by as you hurl cliches at me. Preparation is the father of inspiration.
SCULLY: Necessity the mother of invention
MULDER: The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom
SCULLY: Ye drink or be merry for tomorrow we may die
MULDER: I scream, you scream, we all scream for non-fat tofuti rice cream, Scully.
MULDER (handing Scully flowers): I stole these from some guy with a broken leg down the hall. He won't be able to catch me.
MULDER: What are you doing.
SCULLY: Trying to open my magazine. If I can separate the shell from the casing maybe I can get the powder to ignite.
MULDER: Oh. And maybe it'll start raining weenies and marshmallows.
SCULLY: Do I detect a hint of negativity?
MULDER: No. Yes ... actually. Yeah.
SCULLY: Mulder, you need to keep warm. Your body's still in shock.
MULDER: I was told once that the best way to regenerate body heat was to crawl naked into a sleeping bag with somebody else who's already naked.
SCULLY: Well, maybe if it rains sleeping bags, you'll get lucky.
MULDER: They're out to put an end to the X-Files, Scully. I don't know why, but any excuse will do. Now, I don't really care about my record, but you'd be in trouble just for sitting in this car and I'd hate to see you to carry an official reprimand in your file because of me.
SCULLY: Fox...
MULDER: And I... I even made my parents call me Mulder. So... Mulder.
SCULLY: Mulder, I wouldn't put myself on the line for anybody but you.
MULDER: If there's an ice tea in that bag, could be love.
SCULLY: Must be fate, Mulder. Root beer.
Here’s a teaser for those of you dying to know about the book…it’s about a girl…from Alaska….who’s a commercial fisherman. Novel idea, right. No it is not an autobiography. I’m trying to stay very true to the commercial fishing experience, but the characters are fictional. Obviously I can identify a great deal with the main character, but she is primarily a figment from my imagination, even in regards to her appearance. She’s lanky with long legs, beautiful long dark naturally curly hair and much more to work with in regards to her feminine attributes, if you know what I mean. For those who still don’t get it…she has boobs. Note I didn’t say she had huge boobs, just that she has boobs period. Enough said – sorry if I offended anyone talking about boobs. How I wished I looked you ask….perhaps….but you’ll never really know. Maybe I’d rather be a blonde….Regardless if I ever get published, I don’t want any of my friends or family members showing up on Oprah sobbing “that was me, that character was me.” Because it’s not/isn’t, so you can stop worrying about it now.
Most of you already know that for Christmas this year my husband bought me the best present ever – the X-Files DVD Collector’s Edition, which includes all 9 seasons of the show plus the first X-Files movie. We’ve been watching several episodes a week since Christmas, and so far are only through season three. Only 120 more episodes to go.
Two years ago for Christmas my husband bought me the complete “Everybody Loves Raymond” series for Christmas. I watched it on TBS in the evenings, so he thought I’d enjoy having the set. Although I sincerely appreciated the gift, the set has remained virtually unopened on our DVD bookshelf, because although I enjoyed the mindless bickering of Raymond and his wife as I was winding down in the evenings, I had no interest in really following the show. It’s kind of one of those things I would watch if it was on, but didn’t miss it when it wasn’t. Sorry dear husband! Good thing I’m a firm believer in “it’s the thought that counts!”
As an aside - this is really what a freak I am…for the previous 2 Christmases (06 and 07) my husband bought me vacuum cleaners/moppers of some sort. And guess what – I actually LOVED them. OK, admittedly I wasn’t very excited about the Scuba when I first opened it, but once I realized it was the ONLY thing that would mop my kitchen floor without leaving streaks, I was in love. Jeff loves to tell people I ran it 4 times that first day. And in 07 he bought me a refurbished Roomba, which I was obsessed with for the entire 8 months it worked. So yes, I’m a vacuum cleaner junkie, which probably makes my obsession with the X-Files seem a little more understandable. Robotics and little green men – makes perfect sense right? Even scarier – what woman in her right mind gets excited over getting a vacuum cleaner for Christmas..I mean really excited. Hmmmmm….
Now back to X-Files. I am such a nerd about this show, and am the first to admit it. In my opinion it is one of the best series ever made. Granted 12 years later the aliens do look pretty cheesy, and some of the special effects are….well….obviously 12 years old, but the script, acting and characters remain just as appealing and alluring to me as the day the show first aired. And even though I’ve seen many of the episodes, I still find myself glued to the screen every time.
It’s surprising that the show doesn’t get to me sometimes, because they really cover some pretty intense and dark topics, and for the most part I CANNOT handle any type of horror movies or psycho thrillers because I have nightmares about them for months. But for whatever reason I never get scared watching X-Files. Besides, although I enjoy all of their wild excursions, everyone knows the real reason so many fans, including me, stayed hooked on the show….Mulder and Scully. Chris Carter did an amazing job of developing their relationship without cluttering up the show with an office affair and all that comes with it. He kept everyone hanging for 8 years, and then no one really knew for SURE if they actually did get together until the 2nd X-Files Movie was released last summer. But from the beginning their chemistry and connection was very strong, and just became more and more intriguing and addicting as the series progressed. I love their quips back and forth, and those one or two innuendos Carter threw in every two or three episodes that sent fans into turmoil each week – myself included. I very distinctly remember sitting in orchestra with my stand partner and friend Kate Monday morning, rehashing every Mulder/Scully scene from the previous night. I also remember begging my mom to make sure my dad was not in front of the TV at 9PM on Sunday nights so I could watch the show – and miraculously most of the time she came through. Thanks for playing interference mom – ahem – moving on.
This week I’ve been browsing through the set, revisiting some of my favorite Mulder/Scully moments. At first Jeff got upset thinking I was watching ahead without him, but I really wasn’t. I had to remind him that I’d seen them all before, and would gladly watch them again. There’s just something about these two and their relationship that is extremely addicting. And what I love is there is no sex, drama or anything inappropriate for the most part (inappropriate is a fairly subjective term, and I realize some may consider the content of the show alone not suitable for viewing). Just lots of chemistry, and some really great lines, a few of which I’ll share below. Who knows, maybe I’ll make a believer out of some of you skeptics.
And you know what’s really creepy – there are several parallels between myself and Scully and my husband and Mulder. There is an extreme height difference between both pairs; my husband is a very passionate and unconventional person like Mulder and I am more of a realist and rule follower like Scully. I guess that’s really all that comes to mind right now, but enough to make you think. Although I am NOT one of those people who gets so caught up in shows and movies they start becoming like the characters. I was a realist and rule follower long before I ever started watching the show. And I was ~ still am ~ a nerd, a proud nerd at that. Just look at what I do for a living. I bet you Chris Carter originally had Scully set to be an Analyst, but decided to make her into a DR at the last minute so she could do all the alien autopsies.
So to all of my nerd lovers out there, I leave you with some of my favorite lines from my (still) favorite show. ENJOY! – The X-Fanatic
SCULLY: " How much you're like Ahab You're so consumed by your personal vengeance against life--whether it be its inherent cruelties or its mysteries--that everything takes on a warped significance to fit your meglo-maniacal cosmology."
MULDER: "Scully, are you coming on to me?"
MULDER: "Whatever tape you've found in that VCR, it isn't mine."
SCULLY: "Good. Because I put it back in that drawer with all those other videos that aren't yours."
SCULLY: It's not ice cream. It's a non-fat tofutti rice dreamsicle.
MULDER: Ugh. Bet the air in my mouth tastes better than that. You sure know how to live it up, Scully.
SCULLY: Oh, you're Mr. Live-it-up. Mulder, you're really Mr. Squeeze-every-last-drop-out-of-this-sweet-life, aren't you? On this precious Saturday you've got us grabbing life by the testes stealing reference books from the FBI library in order to go through New Mexico newspaper obituaries for the years 1940 to 1949 and for what joyful purpose?
MULDER: Looking for anomalies, Scully. Do you know how many so-called "flying disc" reports there were in New Mexico in the 1940s?
SCULLY: I don't care. Mulder, this is a needle in a haystack. These poor souls have been dead for 50 years. Let them rest in peace. Let sleeping dogs lie.
MULDER: No, I won't sit idly by as you hurl cliches at me. Preparation is the father of inspiration.
SCULLY: Necessity the mother of invention
MULDER: The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom
SCULLY: Ye drink or be merry for tomorrow we may die
MULDER: I scream, you scream, we all scream for non-fat tofuti rice cream, Scully.
MULDER (handing Scully flowers): I stole these from some guy with a broken leg down the hall. He won't be able to catch me.
MULDER: What are you doing.
SCULLY: Trying to open my magazine. If I can separate the shell from the casing maybe I can get the powder to ignite.
MULDER: Oh. And maybe it'll start raining weenies and marshmallows.
SCULLY: Do I detect a hint of negativity?
MULDER: No. Yes ... actually. Yeah.
SCULLY: Mulder, you need to keep warm. Your body's still in shock.
MULDER: I was told once that the best way to regenerate body heat was to crawl naked into a sleeping bag with somebody else who's already naked.
SCULLY: Well, maybe if it rains sleeping bags, you'll get lucky.
MULDER: They're out to put an end to the X-Files, Scully. I don't know why, but any excuse will do. Now, I don't really care about my record, but you'd be in trouble just for sitting in this car and I'd hate to see you to carry an official reprimand in your file because of me.
SCULLY: Fox...
MULDER: And I... I even made my parents call me Mulder. So... Mulder.
SCULLY: Mulder, I wouldn't put myself on the line for anybody but you.
MULDER: If there's an ice tea in that bag, could be love.
SCULLY: Must be fate, Mulder. Root beer.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Random Letters
Dear Granger,
Can you please tell me the secret to your luscious locks? I don’t mean to sound gay, but it has been really cold outside lately, and mom keeps making me wear this stupid coat to stay warm. If I had locks like you I’d be set….…although it would take me much longer to dry when I pee in my crate and mom has to bathe me.
Plus don’t you think we kind of look alike – our coloring at least? I mean look at the beautiful brown eye patches we both have….do you know any other pooches with such exquisite markings? And you know what else?? Sometimes I get excited and pee on myself too. Oh my goodness, what if we were twins separated at birth!! I won’t have a moment’s peace until I know. Please call me as soon as your mom gets back to Jackson so I can come over and meet you.
Yours Truly - Scout
Dear Scout,
Please stop peeing on the carpet, and in your crate. We have plenty of room outside, all you have to do is ask. Truly, I really don’t understand where all of your pee comes from anyway. It’s not like you drink that much water – enough to create a small pond on the floor outside of your crate everyday.
Anyway, even though I bathe you often, you still stink. You don’t want to be known as the dog that smells like pee now, do you? What would Granger think when he meets you?
Dear Seagulls and Ducks,
Please stop using our boat slip as a toilet. I don’t understand why you can leave everyone around us untouched, but poop all over ours. This summer I’ll be investing in an owl mannequin, but if that doesn’t work I might have to take more drastic measures. Consider yourself warned…
Dear neighbors up the street trying to sell your house,
MOW YOUR WEEDS!
Dear Summer,
I never thought I’d ever say this, but please hurry up and get here. I’m tired of freezing my tail off every night during my run and having to put 3 layers on just to take the dogs out to the bathroom. Plus our neighbors are going to teach us how to kayak and sail this summer, and we really can’t get started until the reservoir warms up. I realize it’s still a bit early, but this is Mississippi. You don’t hesitate to let your heat waves linger through Christmas some years, why not get an early start in 2009? Just a thought.
Dear Diet Coke,
This is hard, because I really, really love you, but starting soon I’m going to have to start cutting back on our time together. I’ve started running again, and plain old water is really the best thing for me right now. Please don’t take this personally, this is totally about me and not you. I still love you just as much as ever……
Dear X-Files producer Chris Carter,
I don’t care what some people stay, I still love your show as much as I did back in high school. Although I will have to admit your recent X-Files Movie was really terrible and not in any way worth the $9.50 I paid to see it.
Dear Bailey the Cat,
I’m so glad you’ve stopped licking all of your fur off – you’re looking much better these days. But if you keep taunting the puppy he might take it all back off for you, or pee on you, so please beware.
Dear Readers,
If you think my random letters contain an unusually high number of references to pee – you are correct. But such is life with a new puppy.
And yes – I totally stole this idea from another blog. Enjoy!
Can you please tell me the secret to your luscious locks? I don’t mean to sound gay, but it has been really cold outside lately, and mom keeps making me wear this stupid coat to stay warm. If I had locks like you I’d be set….…although it would take me much longer to dry when I pee in my crate and mom has to bathe me.
Plus don’t you think we kind of look alike – our coloring at least? I mean look at the beautiful brown eye patches we both have….do you know any other pooches with such exquisite markings? And you know what else?? Sometimes I get excited and pee on myself too. Oh my goodness, what if we were twins separated at birth!! I won’t have a moment’s peace until I know. Please call me as soon as your mom gets back to Jackson so I can come over and meet you.
Yours Truly - Scout
Dear Scout,
Please stop peeing on the carpet, and in your crate. We have plenty of room outside, all you have to do is ask. Truly, I really don’t understand where all of your pee comes from anyway. It’s not like you drink that much water – enough to create a small pond on the floor outside of your crate everyday.
Anyway, even though I bathe you often, you still stink. You don’t want to be known as the dog that smells like pee now, do you? What would Granger think when he meets you?
Dear Seagulls and Ducks,
Please stop using our boat slip as a toilet. I don’t understand why you can leave everyone around us untouched, but poop all over ours. This summer I’ll be investing in an owl mannequin, but if that doesn’t work I might have to take more drastic measures. Consider yourself warned…
Dear neighbors up the street trying to sell your house,
MOW YOUR WEEDS!
Dear Summer,
I never thought I’d ever say this, but please hurry up and get here. I’m tired of freezing my tail off every night during my run and having to put 3 layers on just to take the dogs out to the bathroom. Plus our neighbors are going to teach us how to kayak and sail this summer, and we really can’t get started until the reservoir warms up. I realize it’s still a bit early, but this is Mississippi. You don’t hesitate to let your heat waves linger through Christmas some years, why not get an early start in 2009? Just a thought.
Dear Diet Coke,
This is hard, because I really, really love you, but starting soon I’m going to have to start cutting back on our time together. I’ve started running again, and plain old water is really the best thing for me right now. Please don’t take this personally, this is totally about me and not you. I still love you just as much as ever……
Dear X-Files producer Chris Carter,
I don’t care what some people stay, I still love your show as much as I did back in high school. Although I will have to admit your recent X-Files Movie was really terrible and not in any way worth the $9.50 I paid to see it.
Dear Bailey the Cat,
I’m so glad you’ve stopped licking all of your fur off – you’re looking much better these days. But if you keep taunting the puppy he might take it all back off for you, or pee on you, so please beware.
Dear Readers,
If you think my random letters contain an unusually high number of references to pee – you are correct. But such is life with a new puppy.
And yes – I totally stole this idea from another blog. Enjoy!
Almost forgot....
Dear 16 year old airplane stalker/starer,
Get a life. You are not Ashton and I am certainly not Demi, and neither is my sister. And oh by the way we're both also married. So keep your eyes to yourself, your hormones in check and sit forward in your seat like a normal person, or I just might have to have my 6'5" husband kick your puny 16 year old a#$ when we get off this plane.
Ahh - I feel so much better now! If only I could have said that to his face.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Still Got It
I forgot to share one funny story from my Alaska trip last month.
Lana and I were fortunate enough to sit together (with a seat in between us) on the flight home from Anchorage to Seattle. I noticed after we boarded there was a kid (16 or 17) in the window seat in front of us, and that he kept peeking through the seat during takeoff, but I was reading a good book so quickly forgot about him. Halfway through the flight, he stood up and stretched over the seat and asked me (never mind the 2 people sitting next to him) if I knew the time. Barely looking up from my book, I replied no, and that I was not wearing a watch. I read and dozed the rest of the flight, and did not really notice him again until we were getting ready to unload.
As soon as we were able to move around after landing, the kid stood up in his seat, turned completely around, leaned in and started staring at me and my sister for what must have been 10 minutes – as long as it takes to dock and for most of the plane to unboard. I’m talking direct, unabashed, leaning/staring over the seat (and if you’ve flown recently, you know how close the seats are together now. I could have easily spit on him). So in my 28 years of wisdom and maturity what did I do…..got hysterical of course. I couldn’t quit laughing and soon started crying. I didn’t want to egg the kid on, so put my head down and pinched my nose, and told Lana, who at this point was practically sitting on top of me to get away from him because he was leaning so far over the seat to STARE, to quite making me laugh because I had a headache. So for about 3 minutes I sat there laughing/crying with my head down, watching him continue to stare out of my peripheral vision. Didn’t say a word, just stared.
Finally the line started moving (we were in the back), so I decided to sit and wait to get our bags (we carried on) hoping he’d exit before us. I guess he figured out my plan, because as the people next to him moved into the aisle, he stretched over the seat again and said, “I think I’m going to wait for everyone to get off before I get my bags.” At this point I shot out of my seat, grabbed my suitcase from overhead and raced off the plane – leaving Lana to fend for herself. Needless to say she was not very happy with me, but what can I say? Sometimes you just have to run. Although we managed to get out of the terminal with no further incident, I’ll have to admit I spent the better part of our layover looking over my shoulder, expecting to see our stalker in close pursuit. And after how well I’d handled the staring, I’m not sure what I would have done if he’d actually said something to us.
My husband says I’m pretty clueless, and typically don’t notice if I’m being noticed unless he points it out to me, so it’s nice to know firsthand that I’ve still got it…even if just to a 16 year old stalker.
In other news, we're almost through season 3 of X-files - only 6 more to go! I know you are all jealous:)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
