The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake
It’s been difficult for me absorb the finality of death - the whole “I’ll never see you again in this lifetime” piece. For me it’s kind of like trying to imagine eternity – I just can’t seem to get my head around it. Fortunately, until this summer, I hadn’t had to think about it (death) all that much. Unfortunately, this year to date, we’ve lost 6 loved ones: Both of Jeff’s great grandmothers, his paternal grandmother, his great aunt, my paternal grandmother and a good friend of mine from Alaska.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
My grandmother passed away in May after a 5 month battle with Congestive Heart Failure. She was cremated, and honored with 2 memorials – one in Alaska and the other here in Mississippi. Having only been to one other funeral, I had no idea what to expect at her service. It was heartwrenchingly sad, but there was no casket, or really even any flowers, because it was the 2nd service a month after her death. We sang her favorite songs and watched a beautiful slideshow of her life. I sat between my grandfather and father and bawled my eyes out. That was only the 2nd time I’d seen my father cry – the first was at my wedding (I cried then too). But even after all of that it still doesn’t feel like she’s “really” gone. She spent most of her time in Alaska, so there are still times that I call up there, halfway expecting to hear her soft voice on the other end of the phone - “Hey Darling,” she always used to say. And when I visit with my grandfather now, I still have to remind myself that she’s not just in the back room laying down. Crazy isn’t it?
Grandpa, Granny and Courtney Spring 2007
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Last weekend we buried Jeff’s grandmother, who also lost a battle with congestive heart failure. They unhooked the respirator on Tuesday, and with angels singing in the distance (her words) she drifted peacefully from this life into the next. We made it to LA Thursday evening in time to catch the final few minutes of the visitation. They had her in her best dress, in an open casket, looking better than she had in years. Friday morning was the funeral – Jeff and all of his cousins were the pallbearers. I held my nephew in my lap for most of the service - a welcome distraction. But then came the moment for the family to say goodbye. I wanted to be strong for Jeff, for his family, but with the pain of my loss still fresh, and watching my husband break down beside me, I lost it. My heart broke for his family, for his grandfather - slumped over in his wheelchair - sobbing as the love of his life was carried away from him and lowered into the ground. 56 years they were married, 56 YEARS. That’s almost twice as long as I’ve been alive. And after years of thinking he would go first, his Pawpaw is now left alone, confined to a hospital bed, just waiting until he can join her in heaven. They think he has alzheimer’s, and much of the time doesn’t remember that she’s gone. But he remembered each time he saw me – he says I look so much like her. When I leaned over to hug him goodbye, he held me as tight as his arthritis crippled joints would allow, and sobbed “56 years is a long time.” Yes Pawpaw, it is. Then Jeff prayed with him and we left, both knowing in our hearts, but not wanting to admit, that this might be our last time visit with him as well.
Courtney, Jeff, Pawpaw and MawMaw December 2007
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
I’ve heard before, that you lose a little bit of yourself when somebody you love dies, and really didn’t understand what that meant until that summer. I’ve had friends who have lost siblings, and parents – and even now I can’t begin to fathom the depth of their loss, and how profoundly it has affected those left behind. As a Christian, I know I will see my loved ones again. And I know in time that knowledge will bring much comfort. But right now, it still hurts. My Grandpa was also married for 57 (I think) years. That is a long time to be with someone...something this ADD, instant gratification, "I deserve to be happy" generation cannot comprehend. But even though pop culture and society may try their best to demean life, committment, marriage even...I rest soundly in the knowledge that we were designed by our Creator to love deeply, and in times like these, mourn deeply. And that, my friends, is very much okay.
Thanks to all of our dear friends for your prayers, love, support, cards, emails and calls during these sad times. In the midst of mourning, your love reminds us that we have much to be thankful for.
A Prayer
We give them back to you, O God, those whom you gave to us. You did not lose them when you gave them to us – and we do not lose them by their return to you. Your dear Son has taught us that life is eternal and that love cannot die, so death is only an horizon – and an horizon is only the limit of our sight. Open our eyes to see more clearly and draw us close to you – that we may know that we are nearer to our loved ones – who are with you.You have told us that you are preparing a place for us. Prepare us, that where you are we may be – always.
Heavenly Father, of all the changes we have to face as we journey through life, the hardest of all is the loss through death of someone we love. LORD, you know everything about each one of us and you see and feel our pain, our tears, our loneliness, our regrets and our despair. Comfort us in our sorrow and help us to move on. Change the, at times, overwhelming grief and sadness to peaceful acceptance and our weakness to strength. Help us to cope and to adjust to a different pattern of life, never for a moment forgetting those who have gone, but trusting You to keep them safe for us. Help us to remember that Spring always follows Winter.
